Be The Player, Don't Be Played
For years, I was married to an abusive partner.
He was my business partner, my husband, “my” sociopath.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist or sociopath, you will know how their behavior can be incredibly destructive to everyone around them.
What makes them even more difficult to handle is the toxic combination of:
Emotionally detached and lacking in empathy (even though they may fake it).
Reliance on manipulation as their go-to relationship strategy.
Lying as their usual communication tool.
Constant need to put others down.
Self-centered - all me, me, me.
Seeing others as their enemy.
Very low self-awareness.
I've coached many leaders through the challenge of managing toxic staff or reporting to toxic leaders.
My client, Alex, was the regional CEO of a well-known global brand. Our coaching sessions often focused on resolving issues with his team or with his board of directors.
One of his senior leadership team, Taylor, was particularly challenging to manage.
He was highly capable and contributed immense value to the company.
Taylor also caused animosity and chaos with anyone outside of his own team - meaning, the rest of the leadership team, and their teams.
He constantly undermined colleagues, backstabbed peers, and truly believed he was far superior to everyone around him.
Taylor had no respect for anyone in his company, and somehow believed he had more leverage with the chairman of the board than even his boss, Alex, the CEO.
Even though Alex was celebrated for his leadership - and had close personal ties with the chairman.
Yes… how could anyone be so stupid??
I worked with Alex to get clarity on the best way to handle Taylor.
Should he keep him? Fire him?
Was Alex coming from a place of fear of losing a top performing staff?
Anger that this leader would so disrespect him?
After working through the emotions, Alex decided it was in the company’s best interests to keep Taylor, because he was delivering results in a key role that couldn’t be ignored.
But keeping a toxic leader in a senior position isn’t easy— it requires careful strategy to protect the team and minimize the negative impact on the work culture.
So we turned our attention to setting strategy to contain the damage Taylor created.
Alex tackled his fear by identifying other talent in the market. He’s no longer worried because he knows what’s out there and is ready to replace Taylor at any time.
I crafted scripts for Alex to speak to his other direct reports to assuage their discontent, and to manage perceptions so they know that Alex knows exactly what he’s doing in keeping Taylor on board.
We redefined Taylor’s exact role and responsibilities so as to minimize the negative impact and maximize the ROI of keeping Taylor.
Because Alex now “gets it” - when Taylor acts up, we can laugh about it because he can now see right through Taylor’s manipulation tactics.
Together we work out how to contain the damage.
And one day when the Taylor’s contributions no longer justify the damage he causes, at any time Alex is ready to let him go.
Alex is now the player, he is no longer being played.
I’m so effective at helping others through this because
I've lived it, studied it, and transformed it into something that can empower others to succeed.
All from my 10 years of in-depth “training” by my toxic partner.
Those 10 years taught me more than I could ever imagine (or want to know) about how toxic individuals think and operate.
Particularly when they hold leadership roles.
The constant manipulation, gaslighting, put downs and emotional strain taught me how to recognize these behaviors quickly.
And my spiritual guide gave me the insight I needed on how to handle them, and how to leave (escape) them.
I even studied under Dr. Paul Ekman's group, the world’s foremost expert in detecting truth and lies and reading people.
Combining this scientific understanding with my personal experience and learning from my spiritual guide shaped the way I approach coaching today.
I learned how to read emotions, recognize manipulation, and create strategies to protect you and your teams from toxic leadership, all while ensuring productivity and performance remain intact.
Managing toxic individuals in leadership roles requires more than just the ability to handle conflict; it takes a keen understanding of emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and the ability to see through the mask they wear.
By understanding their behavior, setting firm boundaries, and focusing on emotional intelligence, leaders can navigate these challenging situations without losing their own sense of balance.
So, if you’re facing a similar challenge, know this:
You're not alone.
The right mindset and strategies can help you not only manage these difficult personalities but also protect yourself, your team and grow stronger and wiser from the experience.
You, too, can be the player, not be played.
Here are 2 ways to work with me:
The Relationships That Work group coaching program. Our next cohort is tentatively scheduled for June 2025. If you’re interested to get the guidance, insight, clarity, accountability and support to be in the driver's seat of your life, DM me to be added to the waitlist.
1:1 Leadership Coaching Program. I work with a highly select group of senior leaders to help them create the success and happiness they want in their careers and personal lives. This program is currently full. DM me if you’re interested to take one of our last 2 openings for May.
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