Don't suck up - play to win
I almost lost my job because of workplace bullying.
That was a horrible, horrible year.
I still remember the constant stress, sleepless nights, and the feeling helplessness as my bully - let’s call her Jane - instigated her very effective “campaign of lies” to turn my boss and the team against me. I dreaded going to work each day because I had to face my bully. I dreaded each meeting because Jane and my boss enjoyed intentionally finding things to criticize me on - now I know the name for this is gaslighting.
The simple act of showing up at the office became a misery.
The problem? I ended up being too good at my job, and eclipsed Jane, who firmly believed she was the star in any environment and spent a lifetime honing her ass-kissing skills to solidify her place.
We were the polar opposites.
Jane was so good at kissing ass that her stakeholders didn’t care she failed on all her deliverables. They loved her that much.
Me? I overachieved in every aspect, and the work I did was so high profile and successful that our senior leaders loved how it brought much credit to our department.
And to top it off, I never let on to my senior stakeholders that anything was wrong because I believed it would be unprofessional of me to do so. My job was to get the work done for them - not to burden them with my misery. So in front of them, I maintained the facade that I was happy, always ready with a smile, and focused on getting the job done.
It was like I was living in alternate realities - simultaneously.
You see, I didn’t know how to suck up - I always believed I wasn’t all that smart or talented. My sole survival strategy was to get work done. I not only worked my a** off, I did my job very, very well. And I also believed office politics was a dirty word, and that it was too complicated for me to handle.
In the end, to my own surprise, I saved my own job because when the time came that I had to leave, I gave my senior stakeholders a heads up (without getting into any details). I only found out later they were so upset, they kicked up a fuss.
I was then asked to stay, and was promoted the next year.
My boss even asked me if I’d be okay to not get a bonus because it was a bad year.
I said “No” (In my mind I added a few expletives).
I was the only one on my team that year to get a bonus.
I almost lost my job because of relationships that didn’t work.
I saved my job and got promoted because of relationships that did work.
The hard earned lessons from this miserable experience are these:
1. Just because you don’t want to play, doesn’t mean you’re not in the game.
2. Office politics is a given, you can’t avoid it. Whether in a large company or a small one - any office, any family unit (family politics, anyone?) with more than one person, you will have differing, often conflicting interests. Which means you have office politics. So the smarter way is to learn how to deal with it, minimize it. Be a player, don’t be played - in your way, according to your values.
3. Sucking up is not a dirty word. I was way too naive. All it means is, being reasonably nice to others and making people feel comfortable and wanting to be around you. How could that be a bad thing? Do you really think that you are somehow more virtuous or righteous to make your stakeholders uncomfortable with or around you?
The only reason it’s seen as negative is if you have no substance, only empty talk. But if you’re like my clients, you are kick-ass at what you do. So adding relationship skills to your repertoire is just adding to your toolkit, it doesn’t make you a suck-up.
It’s just the people and communication skills you need to build relationships that work for you.
4. In all my naive righteousness, I was the angel to Jane’s devil, the victim of my life story’s evil protagonist. Even though the core issue was how I inadvertently upstaged my nemesis, and the end result may not have been any different regardless, looking back, I can see how my patterns of communication and behaviour back then contributed to the situation
From that experience, I consciously and continuously learned not only how to hack my personal relationships, but also my work relationships.
I read everything I could get my hands on.
I went to any remotely related class I heard of.
I studied under Dr. Paul Ekman’s group to learn the scientific way to read and understand people, their facial expressions and emotions.
And I continued this learning under my spiritual guide to deep dive into human nature - what makes people tick - myself and the people I associate with.
It’s how I am able to help my clients turn their disapproving bosses into their biggest fans - in 2 months.
It’s how my clients about to be fired are able to turn things around to get promotions and pay raises - as I did.
And It’s how I support my clients to contain or improve relationships with their peers and competitors.
And it’s how I’m able to help clients save their marriages and handle abusive partners.
There are only 6 weeks left to 2024 - what are you waiting for?
P.S. Did you know that there are 12 disruptive relationship habits that impact your ability to successfully influence leaders at work and find love at home? I'm running a workshop on them next week. Sign up here.
