How Guilt is Holding You Back as a Leader (and What You Can Do About It)

As a parent, I deal firsthand with guilt.

Am I doing enough for my kids? (Can always do more)
Am I providing them with the right opportunities and experiences? (How about all the things I can’t provide/am not doing?)
Am I supporting them to discover themselves, and be themselves? (Much room for improvement)

… Am I at least doing a better job parenting than my parents did? (Dear God, I hope so)

As a daughter, I deal firsthand with guilt.

Do I appreciate my mother enough? (No)
Do I love her enough with my actions? (No)
Could I do a better job loving and supporting my mom? (Definitely)

But what about as a leader?

A client of mine, Sarah, could not effectively lead her team to success because she feared being seen as not “nice” or “good.”

Each time her frustration built up to an angry outburst at her team, she would be consumed by guilt because she should be a “nice, good, inspirational” leader.

This guilt is one of the shackles holding her back from being an effective leader.

The funny thing about guilt is, on a deeper level, it only exists to make you feel better about yourself.

It’s all about your ego.

Think about it. Here’s Sarah:

I “shouldn’t” be an angry, emotional boss.
But my team drives me nuts and pushes me to the edge.

So after each angry outburst
Hey, at least I feel guilty about it!

Feeling guilty means at least I know I was wrong.

(Because if I didn’t know this was wrong, that would make me a REAL a**hole).

Do you see what’s missing here?

Being guilty means you’re off the hook – you don’t need to take any real responsibility.

It’s soooo convenient to feel guilty.

Consciously, it can be painful to experience.
Subconsciously, we rejoice!

Because it’s your lazy way to virtue signal.

Guilt gives you the excuse to not change.
And this guilt doesn’t help anyone or anything.
It certainly doesn’t make anyone’s situation better or even make anyone feel better (except you).

Here’s what your ego is saying.

“I’m (still) a (relatively) good person even if I didn’t do what I should because at least I feel guilty that I didn’t do well.”

Imagine - what if we used all that energy we pour into guilt to actually DO something (and not just make ourselves feel better about our screw-up)?

“Here’s what I can do to better understand, respect, and fully accept my kids for who they are, help them grow to fulfil their potential and be able to express themselves confidently.”

“These are the steps I will take each day and with each interaction to improve my communication with my mother and appreciate her fully.”

Can you see, can you feel how much more powerful this is?

Let’s go back to Sarah.

Through our coaching, Sarah has learned to let go of her guilt.
But there’s more.

Sarah before:

“I want to be (seen as) a nice/good/inspirational leader.”

(And when I’m not, I feel guilty about failing in this.)

FOCUS: 100% Sarah, not on her team = all ego

Sarah today:

“Here are the internal shifts I’ve made / need to make, the changes in how I communicate and set boundaries with my team and stakeholders, and what I need to do to lead my team to success - both as individuals and as a team.”

(And when I fail to do this, I revisit, reflect, and re-strategize for next steps).

FOCUS: 100% on resolution/action and her team.

Imagine the result of this shift in Sarah’s leadership style.
The improvement to her emotional and psychological health.
Her relationship with her stakeholders, her work performance and the effectiveness of her team.

Sarah just made this shift in our recent coaching sessions.
And she’s already seeing the benefits.

Now, Sarah can truly start to lead.

What guilt do you hold dear to your heart?
Are you ready to let it go?

I work with a select group of senior leaders 1:1 and have 2 openings for my June Senior Leadership Coaching Program intake - contact me if you’re interested.